


Safety and Belonging

by pushupindrag



Category: Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016)
Genre: Declarations Of Love, Fluff and Angst, Getting Together, Hurt/Comfort, Light Angst, M/M, Panic Attacks, Pararibulitis (Dirk Gently), Post-Season 2, Slow Build
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-25
Updated: 2018-07-25
Packaged: 2019-06-16 07:44:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,737
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15432291
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pushupindrag/pseuds/pushupindrag
Summary: When Todd finally has a minute to himself after the complete fuckery that had been his life for the last few months, he comes to a realisation.Todd realises he's in love with his best friend.





	Safety and Belonging

**Author's Note:**

> I think everyone starts off in this fandom by writing something like this right? I love this stuff, keep it coming please!
> 
> (I might also make this into a series eventually because I want some domestic relationship building)
> 
> Un-bete'd so if you find any mistakes please let me know!

When Todd finally has a minute to himself after the complete fuckery that had been his life for the last few months, he comes to a realisation.

It comes to him clearly yet unexpectedly as he’s sprawled across his couch, one leg up over the back while his head cricks at a weird angle because the couch arms were too hard to comfortably rest his head on. 

Everywhere is quiet, it’s late. The inky blackness of the night is filtering through the open windows with the breeze, and Todd finally lets himself process.

Dirk is curled up asleep on the armchair he had bought up from his own apartment, and he’s covered in one of Todd’s oversized hoodies. He’s snoring a little, more deep breathing than anything else, nose buried in the soft fabric while the dog (whose name is apparently Rapunzel but Todd refuses to call her that) is curled up in his lap.

Without thinking, his eyes wander over his business partners sleeping nest. It’s not unusual for Dirk to be sleeping at his, mainly because it made them both calmer if they were together for one thing, and because they liked being in each others company for another. Todd smiles slightly at the thought of how domestic they had started to become. Dirk was always there in the mornings with a cup of coffee ready for when Todd woke up, and Todd had gotten into the habit of picking up after Dirk, putting his things back in places that probably should be in the apartment downstairs. Since they had had their two weeks to calm down, their smiles had gotten easier as had their jokes. And Todd tried to make Dirk laugh whenever he could because whenever Dirk smiled it seemed to light up the whole damn room. 

Dirk’s constant chatter that had been aggravating in the beginning, was now a surefire way to get Todd to calm down, he loved listening to Dirk’s voice. They worked together, and despite their opposing personalities they fit so easily into one another’s lives that Todd wouldn’t give it up for the world. Dirk was the first person in a long time he had felt comfortable with over the years, and despite being terrified, Todd was starting to like that. 

Dirk snorts, and Todd turns his attention to him.   


Dirk is soft in sleep, smaller almost despite his gangly limbs, the usual excited or panicked crease between his eyebrows smoothed into what almost mimics contentedness. Todd wants to trace the hollows under his eyes with his fingers, the straight line of his nose, map out his cheekbones and the freckles he knows pop up in the sun, he also finds that when his gaze lingers on Dirk’s lips when he rolls his head back as something in his dream makes him twitch, that rather than trace the softness with his fingers he wants to trace them with his tongue. 

And as he smiles at the thought of kissing Dirk, the realisation hits him.

Todd was totally in love with his best friend. 

Of course he panics, because that’s what he does when faced with anything that isn’t a mild sensation or the numbness he had been used to for years. 

He panics so hard he manages to fall off of the couch, narrowly missing braining himself on the coffee table. Scrambling, he knocks an empty cup from the table as he practically runs to the bathroom, feeling like a Rowdy as he crashes into the wall by the bathroom, fingers smarting as he scrapes them along the doorjamb so harshly, slamming the door shut behind him as his shaking hands struggle to do the flimsy deadbolt.

The dog had followed him in his panic, and she barks insistently as she scrabbles at the door. He backs away from the noise as he hears Dirk start to make disgruntled panic noises.

“Todd! Todd are you okay?” Todd nearly falls backwards as his knees hit the side of the bath. And he can’t answer through his heavy breathing. Turning, he twists the shower on, stepping into the freezing cold. 

Grounding, he needed grounding. The icy water seems to shock him, but not into the state he needs. Twisting again, he manages to get the water to something that’s barely above freezing but it’s better. So there he stays, fully dressed, chest aching.

This wasn’t like fear, or panic, or any of the other things he had been experiencing recently. This wasn’t even like happiness, an emotion he had only become somewhat more familiar with as of late. This physically hurt, he felt like his chest was caving in the feeling was so intense. It felt like when Amanda left him, but not. It was like his heart was breaking over and over and over, cracking deeper and deeper but lighter. Amanda’s pain had been heavy, something he could feel dragging him down but this kept him upright.

It’s not  pararibulitis. He can’t see anything, he just feels it in his chest. There’s tears streaming down his face and he can only tell because they’re warmer than the tepid spray he’s standing under. 

Dirk and the dog are still at the door, but he can’t get words past the pain in his chest, he can barely breath. There’s banging on the door but he can’t do anything except lean against the wall, letting the spray wash over him.

He can barely hear over his own fucking emotions, but there’s banging that gets louder and louder until there’s a crash.

Suddenly the dog is in the shower, barking away as Dirk throws the shower curtain back.

“TODD!” He feels catatonic and it must show as Dirk reaches to turn the shower off, leaning to the rail by the sink to grab a towel that probably isn’t the cleanest, before wrapping it around him.

Todd feels the fabric, feels the pressure of Dirk hugging him, can hear the muttering in his ear that’s being drowned out by a dull ring. Everything still hurts, tears are still streaming down his face and despite everything in his body begging him to run, run away from this man that was causing him to feel something he had never felt before, he stays.

Leaning forward, still in Dirk’s arms, he leans his forehead against Dirk’s shoulder. And stays.

He doesn’t know whether it makes the pain better or worse, but either way it doesn’t stop and he gives in as it consumes him. 

The pressure of how tightly Dirk’s holding him is apparently the grounding he needs as he slowly and eventually comes back to himself, and he can start to hear the panicked litany Dirk is muttering in his ear.

“Todd. It’s okay. It’s all going to be okay. Whatever this is, we can fix it. We can fix this.”

His teeth give away how much he’s shaking as they chatter “D-dirk?”.

“Oh, thank fuck. Todd! You’ve been out for a good ten minutes!” 

“What?” His socks slip slightly against the wet bottom of the bath, and he squeaks as Dirk lifts him up and over the lip of it.

Placing him down with a gentleness that Todd appreciates, Dirk carries on holding him.

Now his feet are firmly on the floor, and Dirk is still holding him, he tries to remember what Amanda taught him in Wendimoor. Because pain is energy right, even if this isn’t all in his head.

Breathing deeply, he tries to suppress the hurt, tries to channel it into something tangible. Dirk has laid his cheek against the top of his head, and his litany has started up again. The feeling of being practically boxed in is helping, he’s safe there in his apartment in the warm circle of Dirk’s arms.

And that small thought adds another layer. He felt safe with Dirk. Dirk was the only person that made him feel like that.

The pain doesn’t go, but it starts receding the longer they stand there. Todd being held as Dirk continues his reassurance. He doesn’t know how long they stand together like that, but eventually Dirk breaks away with a tut.

“You need clothes that aren’t wet. You’re going to freeze to death just standing here!” And Todd wants to be back in the circle of his arms again instead of arms length but he nods. That itself sends him spiralling slightly again, no matter how hard he tries to suppress it.

Breaking away is hard, and he’s shaking so badly he can barely walk even with Dirk’s help, but he manages to make it to his bedroom, closing the door softly behind him. 

“Todd. Todd, i’m going to come back with a hot drink okay, get changed. Quickly!” 

“Okay.” The word passes the lump in his chest easier than it had before. Taking a few minutes to get the pain under control, the black dark that starts to spread over his vision subsides. Going to, to that place, when he was in pain was all and well and good occasionally, but it wasn’t practical. And Todd knows he could easily get reliant on it. So he stands up as best he can from where he’s slumped, towel still firmly around his shoulders as he makes his way over to his dresser.

Stripping is hard with how damp and clingy his clothes are, but he manages it, running the towel over himself again before pulling out a pair of sweats and a t-shirt. There’s a pair of fuzzy socks on his bed that he knows are definitely not his, but they look clean and cozy so he puts them on anyway.

Sitting down in the place the socks just vacated, he leans his elbows on his knees, head in hands.

Now that he knows the pain, he’s able to start thinking around it, despite it flaring every now and then. Working through it with deep breaths, he tries his best to think.

He loved his best friend. He was very much in love with Dirk Gently. The thought almost has him keeling over again until he gasps, getting his breathing under control.

He had never been in love before. Was this what that feeling was? This all consuming pain in his chest? When he did he suddenly think he had the right to love anybody, especially somebody as good as Dirk. 

Dirk didn’t deserve the shitiness Todd would inevitably push onto him, never mind any romantic shit. Todd wasn’t good at feelings, and Todd didn’t want to push that onto Dirk. 

Before he can spiral again even further, there’s a knock at his door.

“Todd, are you okay? Can I come in? Todd?”

“Y-yeah, i’m decent.” The door cracks open, and Todd can’t help but break into a tired grin as Dirk pops his head around, beaming infectiously.

“I know it’s late, but coffee always cheers you up!” He’s holding two mugs, and as he slides around the door as if he doesn’t want to open it more than a crack and let the world in, he spills a little of his own drink but doesn’t seem to notice, shutting the door with his foot. Todd is grateful for his ‘shutting out the world’ tactics.

“That’s true.” His smile can’t get past the corners of his mouth but still he’s smiling, and although Dirk is twitching with nervous energy, he grins back. Sitting down, Todd focuses on how the mattress dips instead of the warmth of Dirk pressing their arms together, holding out one of the mugs.

Todd takes it with a nod, cradling it in his hands as he focuses on how hot it makes his palms.

“So.” Dirk waves his free hand around “Do you know what’s going on? Was it another attack?”

“No I.” He falters for words, because he doesn’t want to fuck everything up. He doesn’t want to tell Dirk he loves him, doesn’t want to ruin their friendship. Doesn’t want to see the pity in Dirk’s eyes as he politely turns him down. 

Everything he touches he ruins, and he doesn’t want to ruin Dirk. “Emotions.”

It’s not a lie, because no matter the circumstance he doesn’t do that anymore. But he certainly doesn’t say anything else.

Dirk sighs as if he understands though, and his smile gets softer as he turns to face Todd properly.

“Well, we know how you are with feelings.” He drags out the E in feelings and Todd tries to smile.

Because the thing is, he does. “Yeah, we know how I am with feelings.” It’s surprising how much Dirk knows about him. About how much he knew that Todd didn’t think he knew. He seems to know Todd’s habits, his routines, his flight response. He knew how to make Todd smile, what buttons to push to get him riled. Dirk knew a lot more than he ever let on. And although Todd doesn’t know how, he appreciated it.

Maybe that was why he was in love with Dirk, because Dirk cared. Well, that and a plethora of other reasons. 

“Do you, and don’t think you have to, but would you like to talk about it?” 

That was another reason. Dirk never pushed.

“Nah, I uh. I don’t know myself right now so I couldn’t anyway.”

“Well.” Dirk knocks their shoulders together gently, and when Todd turns his head to look Dirk’s just staring at him, soft expression over his features. “I’m always here if you need me.”

“Me uh, me too. For you, I mean. I’m always, always here for you too.” He cringes at how he stumbles over his words but if the blush high on Dirk’s cheeks and the toothy grin is anything to go by, then Dirk didn’t mind.

“I’m glad, very glad. The best glad.”

“The best glad?” Teasing is familiar, it’s something he can do.

“Oh shut up.”

The ‘make me’ is sitting right there on his tongue, but Dirk didn’t deserve anything to do with that. Didn’t deserve Todd ruining their friendship through attempted flirting, so he doesn’t say anything. Instead he just lightly knocks his shoulder against Dirk’s, unable to stop himself from lingering a little as he presses his shoulder against the warmth of Dirk’s own. 

“Whatever.” He gets a snort for that, and Dirk leaning against him, seemingly without noticing.

“Drink up Todd, we don’t have anywhere to be tomorrow.”

*

The next morning is better. Or well, afternoon considering he wakes up at 1. The pain hasn’t gone, but it’s manageable. And he’s very glad sleep is used as a time for his brain to process, because he wakes up a lot more clear headed.

He loved Dirk Gently. But he couldn’t do anything about it for fear of ruining Dirk’s life. And now that he had sorted that out, he could get on with things.

Dirk doesn’t make it easy though, but that was another reason that Todd loved him.

Dirk is sitting in his armchair, the dog on his lap with a cup of tea in his hand. He’s wearing one of Todd’s shirts and he’s reading something that Todd’s sleep bleary eyes can’t read yet. When he looks up as Todd quietly shuts his own door, he beams.

“Good morning sunshine! Or well, afternoon, but saying ‘good afternoon sunshine’ doesn’t sound half as good. Anyway! There’s coffee on the stove for you, it should still be hot, I did it in that weird metal geometric thing for you!”

“You mean the cafetière?” Todd stumbles over to the kitchen to find that Dirk had indeed put a pot on for him, and by how strong the smell is, he’d done it exactly how Todd likes it.

“Thanks man.”

“No problem Todd!” 

Todd takes his time pouring his drink into his favourite mug, going over to curl up on the couch.

“Reading anything interesting?”

“Yes, actually. Farah dropped it round this morning, it’s a fantasy.”

“Yeah?” Todd didn’t have to ask questions to get Dirk to speak, he just had to make encouraging noises and normally that did it.

“Yes! It’s called Lord of The Rings, Farah gave me all three.”

“Oh shit, I love those books. Fucking hard to get through though.” That’s exactly the right thing to say apparently because Dirk positively lights up.

“You’ve read them!”

Todd takes a sip of his coffee and winces when it burns his tongue. He looks up to find Dirk staring at him and smiles. 

“Yeah when I was about 12. They were my favourite books for a good few years.”

 

“So they’ve been around for a long time then?” 

“Yeah pretty much, Old enough that I got the audiobooks on tape.”

“You can get it in audiobook form! I thought i’de have I read it out loud for you so you can hear my favourite bits but you already have!” Todd wants that, Todd wants that desperately. For Dirk to read out loud to him, his favourite passages no less. His chest aches again with how much he wants that. Within his internal panic, he misses how disappointed Dirk sounds.

He chokes back what he wants to say and asks a question instead  “Yeah, did you really never read Lord of the Rings? Not even while you were out?”

Dirk stiffens a little, but he smiles to reassure Todd that it wasn’t his fault when Todd starts to stutter out an apology, and Todd appreciates it, even if he doesn’t like the fact that Dirk was still plagued by his memories.

“Never had the time, I only really have a phone out of necessity. I was always moving, and I moved so much there was never time to be able to collect anything that couldn’t fit in a duffle bag. Books were unnecessary weight.” He’s trying to be calm, Todd can see that, but as he talks he gets faster and faster which means he’s panicking and trying not to. 

“Dirk, hey. It’s all okay.” He reaches his hand out and nearly tips himself over reaching across the small space to put his hand on Dirk’s arm. “We can get you as many books as you want now yeah?”

Dirk puts his hand on Todd’s and squeezes and Todd ignores how fast his heart is beating as Dirk leaves it there for a moment.

“Thank you Todd.” His voice is soft and no longer anxious sounding, so Todd smiles, looking into Dirk’s eyes just to make sure he’s smiling back. He is, because of course he is, smiling is one of Dirk’s favourite things. But it’s not as free as usual, so Todd crosses his eyes, before sticking his tongue out and wiggling it. 

It gets the result he wants, Dirk laughing loudly and finally smiling properly. He let’s go of Todd’s hand to throw it onto his chest while he laughs, causing the dog to start barking with excitement and Todd has to let go. 

“Shush Rapunzel!” Dirk tries to be commanding through his laughter but it doesn’t work, and it’s only when he shushes her a few times more that she finally calms down again.

Todd watches with rapt attention at the pair, and instead of saying what he wants to say which is something sappy, he manages “Why are we keeping her again?”

“Because I need a sidekick obviously !” Dirk looks at him as though it were obvious, and Todd frowns.

“I thought I was your sidekick.” He’s a little ashamed to find how hurt his voice sounds.

“Oh Todd don’t be silly! You’re my partner! You upgraded aaagggeessss ago, didn’t I tell you?”

Todd chokes. Partners. Another thing Dirk has done or said that Todd wants but with the wrong meaning. “No uh, no you didn’t.”

“Well either way.” Dirk waves his mug around as he gestures which reminds Todd to take a swig from his own. “You’re not getting your name on the sign.”

It’s Todd’s turn to laugh then, which gets rid of some of his tension. “I wouldn’t even dream of asking.” 

*

They go on their usual walk with the dog later that evening, taking their time walking around the block while the dog sniffed around and did her business. She got longer walks at lunch and she seems tired so Dirk must have taken her while Todd had been asleep. 

“Who’s a good girl?” Dirk keeps asking the dog the same question is a high voice he reserves for her to make her wiggle, laughing every time joyfully. For all that Todd complained about her, he was holding her lead. And she made Dirk happy, so by proxy, she made him happy. He wasn’t cleaning up her shit though, that was on Dirk.

“One day she’s going to answer you and you’re going to shit yourself.”

“Oh shush Todd, I would love her to talk. Can you do that for me Rapunzel? Can you speak?” 

To her credit the dog barks and Dirk claps her “Very close!”

Todd just rolls his eyes, but he’s barely containing a smile. “Come on you two it’s getting late.”

“But Todd it’s not even dark yet.” Dirk turns to him with a frown and honestly, it’s surprising Todd doesn’t get headaches more often with how much he rolls his eyes. 

“By late, I meant that there’s stew in the slow cooker and it’ll be done soon.”

Dirk physically stops him then with a hand on his arm to show his slowly widening smile that matches his gasp. “You made dinner?”

“Well yeah, we had the ingredients for a stew and I found a slow cooker under the sink so I thought why the hell not you know?”

Todd does know, and it’s because of his realisation yesterday. And okay yes, he had decided not to peruse any of his feelings for fear of messing up Dirk’s life, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t be nicer to Dirk, or settle them a little further while the chaos had stopped for a minute. Plus, it was the only thing he knew how to cook. He remembered his mom making it for him and Amanda when she was on her late shifts, and his dad plating it up. It always felt like home, which is maybe another subconscious reason why he made it.

Screw him if he wanted some stability or a sense of home, it was something he hadn’t felt in a long while. 

It’s both a surprise and not a surprise when Dirk hugs him, the hug isn’t really a surprise because Dirk loved hugging people, he was an affectionate guy. But what is a surprise is Dirk lifting him up while he hugs him.

“I haven’t had a home cooked meal in so long, come on Todd let’s go back!” 

Todd’s chest aches again, but it’s a wistful sort of hurt that changes quickly into determination to make sure Dirk eats home cooked food regularly now that they were somewhat settled.

*

The smell of food is enough that the cat (because she wasn’t a kitten any longer) comes out from her spot under Todd’s bed. He doesn’t know how she keeps getting into his apartment, but it always happens when Dirk arrives so Todd has a sneaking suspicion that he sneaks her in under one of his many jackets. 

“It smells done, go put your feet up.” With a sigh, Todd goes to get the two bowls he keeps in a separate cupboard, as well as the corresponding pet food, and dishes that up first, letting the dog and cat eat companionably while he dishes out the stew for him and Dirk. 

It’s domestic enough that his chest twinges again, and he has to take a moment to breath through it, hands curling harshly on the edge of the counter, cutting into his palms as he shakes through it.  

“Todd, Todd are you okay you’ve gone quiet. It, quieter than usual anyway.”

“Yeah just a sec-“ And then suddenly the counter actually cuts into his palms, cutting in so deep he practically severs them off as the counter slices deeper and deeper, travelling into his arm further and further.

He must scream, he has to have done at the blood that’s pouring down his hands, the unimaginable pain that’s coursing through his body. He can’t pull his hands back as he sinks further and further, blood pouring over the cabinet and floor, pooling at his feet.

“Todd, Todd open your mouth, Todd!” He does as the voice in his ear says, barely able to get whatever it is into his mouth as he shakes violently, still screaming, tears starting to trickle down his face.

There’s a tugging sensation at his waist, but the counter just keeps pulling him further and further, cutting up to his elbows, hands and arms ripped in two before he’s violently pulled back, slamming into the counter behind him. Swallowing in shock once, twice, his hands seem to knit back together, blood travelling back into his veins. There’s a solid weight behind him, and he can register the feeling of hands on his hips, holding on tightly. Slowly, the pain drains, and the screaming that’s filling his ears stops.

“Todd, Todd you’re okay my love. Come back to me now, that’s it.”

“Dirk?” He can barely register the fact that the weight behind him is warm and crooning in his ear. “I’m s-sorry I scared the animals are they okay?”

Gently, the hands on his waist turn him around so he’s faced with Dirk who’s pressed between him and the counter, face a mixture of worry and relief as he sees Todd’s eyes clearing. 

“They’re fine, just under some furniture. What happened?”

“Attack, my my hands were, they were getting sliced by the counter.” He shudders at the memory of attack and he can feel Dirk wince too.

“Well you’re fine I promise, how about I dish up and we can sit and watch something mundane huh? There’s nothing more relaxing that watching something mundane!”

Nodding, he takes the gentle prod that Dirk gives him and goes into the living room, collapsing onto the couch.

When Dirk brings their food, he doesn’t sit on his chair, he sits right next to Todd. Todd never thought he was an affectionate guy, but recently he had found that physical contact or closeness was a sure fire way to help him come down from pararibulitus or panic attacks. And Dirk seemed to be the best at it, and really. Todd should have seen his love for Dirk sooner.

They eat in companionable silence, Dirk putting on a nature documentary that they both get way to into. 

“No! I can’t watch those baby bunny rabbits get eaten Todd I just can’t!” Dirk has a hand over his eyes, gesturing with the other and Todd has to dart for his bowl to keep from spilling. 

“Grab your bowl and I’ll be able to grab the remote-“ Dirk peeks through his fingers and squeals.

“TURN IT OFF TURN IT OFF TURN IT OFF TURN IT OFF!”

“Okay okay, I’m doing it I’m doing it.” Balancing Dirk’s bowl on his knee alongside his own, he manages to reach to the coffee table to grab the remote before switching the tv off.

“Oh thank you Todd, I really don’t know what I would have done!” And then Dirk’s leaning his head on Todd’s shoulder, breathing a sigh of relief, before reaching out for his bowl and sitting up. 

“Crashed and burned?” It’s an automatic response from growing up with his sister, but Dirk looks at him softly and smiles.

“I think you’re right.” Todd smiles back, unable to help himself and Dirk shifts closer, just slightly. 

Neither move forward, and Todd’s glad he doesn’t embarrass himself by leaning in. But he does abruptly get up and stretch. Even though he really doesn’t to.

“I’m beat, i’ll see you in the morning okay?” 

Dirk smiles, and if Todd would let himself, he’d say it looked sad. “Night Todd.”

“Goodnight Dirk.” He bobs his head a little before awkwardly turning and going into his room, shutting the door firmly behind him. Then he goes over and flops onto his bed. 

“Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.” He thumps his head into the mattress with every word and cringes. The cringe only gets worse as he takes his phone from his pocket to check the time and find out it was only 9pm, way too early for him to go bed. Thumping his head a few more times he curses himself for his awkward panic, before climbing under his covers. No matter the time, he was tired. So when his head hits the pillow he feels sleep overcome his easily. And as he falls asleep, it finally registered that when Dirk had helped him overcome his pararibulitus attack, he had called him ‘my love’. 

*

Waking up, his head is filled with dreams that don’t help his current situation. There was something in there about a romantic picnic that ended with making out that Todd wants very much to dream about every night of his damn life. But also wants to forget once he realises his situation. 

How was he going to deal with being silently in love with his best friend if his brain was going to betray him all the time?

He doesn’t bother changing, he just goes straight into the kitchen. Dirk is already there, coffee on the counter while he tries to cook what looks like eggs.

“Good morning, i’m making omelettes, I would see if you wanted veggies but there’s none in the fridge.”

“Oh uh, thanks?” 

“No problem!” He turns around, and the grin he gives Todd melts his heart in the best way.

Dirk goes back to the frying pan and Todd stares at his back. He’s wearing the mexican funeral shirt again, and the cat is winding around his legs. Dirk wasn’t the most muscular of guys, but Todd can appreciate the back muscles he sees through the shirt. He’s got a smaller waist, and his sleep addled brain lets him think about curling his hands there, kissing Dirk’s shoulders and breathing in the scent of the fabric softener Dirk used. And then he goes to, which shakes him out of his daydream. Instead, he leads his twitching hands to the coffee on the counter and grabs it, turning to lean against it. 

Blowing on the coffee to cool it a little, he takes a look at Dirk who seems to actually be able to cook something.

“So, what’s this all for?”

“Well.” Dirk flips the eggs. “Since you made us dinner yesterday, I thought I could make us breakfast.” 

It’s another layer of domesticity that Todd doesn’t want to think about but knows he will.

Taking a gulp of his coffee, he burns his tongue a little and winces the pain away. Dirk coo’s a little at the noise he makes, smiling over at him. “Told you you need to stop doing that.”

“Oh shut up.” Fondly he rolls his eyes and Dirk smiles at him again, softer this time.

“You say that, but you’d miss my voice.”

“Whatever helps you sleep at night.”

“Oh, it does.”

That makes him stop, because Dirk doesn’t sound like he’s joking.

“Really?” His voice is small when he asks and he tries his best not to hate it. Dirk didn’t think any less of him, no matter how vulnerable he was. 

“Well uh, oh. Never mind, just forget I said anything. Do you want, what is it that weird hot sauce you like in your eggs?”

Todd hadn’t run before. Somehow, his realisation had made him stronger, less likely to flee at the first sign of danger. Dirk bought that out in him, both physically and now apparently emotionally too.

“No, come on, tell me.” His voice is shaking, and the pain kicks him again at full force. He’s surprised he doesn’t flinch with the force of it. But he channels it as best he can while Dirk seems to gather his thoughts, energy making his shake. Shaking was better than the pain though, even though the remainder seemed to burn a hole in his chest.

Clutching his mug so tightly he feels as though it’s going to break, it falls from his hands when Dirk abruptly turns to him, his own hands shaking as he moves the frying pan to a hob that isn’t lit.

“This is a lot earlier than I planned, because I did have a plan. Farah and Amanda helped me with it. But if you insist on moving it forward then I guess we have to.”

Todd can only stare at his hands which were shaking, ringing themselves over and over. 

“Todd.” He takes a deep breath, and Todd holds his as Dirk closes his eyes, wincing. “I’m actually in love with you.”

Hot coffee splashes all over the floor as Todd drops his mug.

“Wait-”

His tone gets higher as his words start to speed up, hand movements jerky “And i’m sorry this is so out of the blue, but you made me dinner and you finally let me help you down from a pararibulitus attack and a panic attack. You finally let me in fully. I thought I could hold it in, really. I tried my best. But then you stumble in here all sleepy and you smile at me like i’m the best thing in the entire world!” His hands move up to his hair and tug. “I’m sorry.”

Todd barely manages to think ‘fuck it’ before lurching forward, hands going to squeeze at Dirk’s shoulders as he pulls him in for a kiss.

There’s bits of ceramic in his foot from the dropped mug which hurt like a bitch, and he catches the edge of his arm on the hot cooker, but none of that matters. The pain in his chest has fully eased, melting away with every move of Dirk’s lips against his, the way dirk’s hands go to his hips, roughly pulling his shirt up so that the skin of his palms touches the soft skin of Todd’s hips.

Now that the pain had gone, it morphed into something else as Todd moved, running his tongue along the seam of Dirk’s lips. It’s morphed into something softer, something that feels like it’s glowing. Enough to warm him to the core and melt his insides. He felt safer than he ever had. He felt loved, for once. With that he doesn’t wait, just plunges his tongue into Dirk’s mouth as soon as he opens his lips just a fraction, licking the backs of Dirk’s teeth before pulling back to suck on his lower lip, moving down to jaw to leave a sucking bruise there and pulling away.

Their connection doesn’t seem to leave though, despite Dirk letting go of his hips in surprise and the pain finally registering in his feet and arm.

“Fuck ow okay.”

“Todd? Todd! Are you alright?” And Dirk is back to his usual self instead of the kiss drunk swaying figure he had been.

“Yeah just, shit fuck ow. Mug in my foot, can you turn the tap on?” Dirk does, reaching over so Todd can run his arm under the old water, grimacing as the pain picks up in his foot. He must have stepped in a large piece or something. 

“What can I do? How can I fix this?” Dirk’s panicked, eyes wide.

“Get me the first aid kit?” Farah had made sure they had one in the flat as soon as they had gotten the agency set up.

“Yes, okay. I can do that.” While he runs to the bathroom, Todd hobbles to the living room, sitting down heavily on the couch.

Taking a look at his foot he winces. But it was far from the worst thing that had ever happened to him. Especially since his lips were tingling and his fingertips felt fuzzy from how hard he had gripped Dirk’s shoulders.

He expected more pain and anguish, but he just felt light. 

Gingerly, he manages to pull out one of the larger pieces from his foot, letting it clatter onto the coffee table. Then he tries to get a smaller one, but his fingers are too numb to grab onto it and he hisses again.

Dirk comes back. Tripping over his own feet slightly as he falls to kneel by Todd’s knees.

“I also got the tweezers. Do you want me to get it all out?” He eyes Todd’s foot, and all Todd can do is nod. His hands were a little bloodied now, so he he rubs them on his sweats, staring up at the ceiling as Dirk starts to get the pieces out of his foot.

They’re quiet as Dirk finishes up, only the sounds of Dirk breathing and Todd hissing in the air.

Once it’s finished, Dirk leans back on his heels, hands rubbing anxiously at the tops of his thighs.

Todd has another ‘fuck it’ moment, before he sighs, and starts. If dirk could be brave and tell Todd what he was feeling, then Todd could do the same. He was trying to be a better person. And good people didn’t leave people in the lurch.

“You make me, you make me feel safe, Dirk. when i’m around you, I feel better. You make me want to be a better person. I love you, I think I have for a long time. I only realised the other day.”

To his surprise Dirk snorts, then blushes and looks guilty as Todd frowns. “That I gathered.”

Poking him, Todd scowls again, but continues. “I’m a mess, but you don’t care. But then again, you care so much about me that I don’t know how you do it.”

“Because I love you.” And Dirk suddenly seems to have found his voice, sitting up, cocking his head to one side as if it’s obviously.

“I love you too.” Saying it isn’t a hard as he expected, in fact it seems to pull a weight from his shoulders.

“Right. Well then.”

Of course they get awkward then, and Todd opens his mouth to say something probably even more awkward before Dirk leans so far back he falls over, which breaks the tension. “Shit!”

“Holy shit, Dirk are you okay?” Todd leans forward, giggling while he holds his hand out.

Dirk takes it with a sheepish smile. “Fine, just. Fine.” Todd let’s himself get lost in that smile for the first time, before unthinkingly bringing Dirk’s hand up to his mouth, kissing the man’s knuckles.

“So we love eachother huh? That’s super fucking weird.”

Dirk grins, laughing so hard he throws his head back “I know right?”

Todd starts laughing then, pulling Dirk up so he’s straddled across him, more on the couch that Todd’s lap, not that it matters. 

He shuffles, elbowing Todd in the dick a few times accidentally, grinning apologetically when he does so that Todd can’t even feel annoyed, to be able to rest his head on Todd’s chest, half laying on his legs, half on the couch. 

Todd hesitantly starts to play with Dirk’s hair, getting bolder as Dirk pushes into it. “Keep doing that, s’nice.” He manages to say through a yawn and Todd smiles, probably dopily down at him.

They stay like that, and Todd marvels at how the pain had gone. He gets into his own head thinking about it, but it doesn’t matter. Dirk Gently is practically sitting in his lap, and he felt lighter than he had in years. He felt content. Despite having just woken up, he starts to get lulled into sleep again until the dog jumps on them both, landing heavily, wagging her tail and just generally causing a fuss.

“Okay Rapunzel okay, it’s breakfast time, I got it.”

Todd reluctantly pulls his hand from Dirk’s hair, running it over his face. “Shit we should clean up the kitchen before letting them go in there.”

“Yes, we should.” Dirk gets up and stretches, smiling as Rapunzel practically danced at his feet.

He looks back at Todd then, the happiest, if sleepiest, Todd had ever seen him. “Hey Todd?”

“Yeah?”

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”

Todd doesn’t feel the pain anymore, it’s been replaced by a sense of home and safety and belonging. It’s been filled with Dirk Gently, and he can’t find he cares.


End file.
